You may say you are prone to envy, but I am deeply moved by how much care, kindness and thoughtfulness I have found in your essay. It is hard for me to combine these two ;)
Thank you for this lovely vulnerable essay! I completely understand the fear of your sense of self being too bound up in your writing. I've been driven off more than one platform by accusations that my writing is bad (usually related to some nerdy tv show), but mainly I haven't really done much striving with my personal writing--and I worry about that too, that I don't push myself enough!
But I'm coming to recognize that the intrinsic is much more important than the extrinsic in life. There's never be "enough" success, you'll never see everything, you'll never do everything. Life is about what makes you happy.
But I wonder if happiness is really what it sounds like you're seeking in this re-framing? Maybe happiness, for you, is a consequence of feeling artistically connected. I love that feeling, I still track page counts on the fiction I've posted: it's truly, truly magical to know that somewhere, some other human loved your writing and carries it with them in their heart.
That’s a great insight, Rebecca—I’m not sure it’s about happiness. I don’t have a genetic predisposition for happiness, and I screw up even more because I tend to choose interestingness, and that doesn’t always make for a super happy life. Case in point: living abroad. It’s interesting, but does it make you happier in the long run? I’m not sure. So I’d say what I’m seeking with this reframing is meaning, if that makes sense.
“They are a part of the talent pool. They push the bar higher so the best can excel. Without competition, there wouldn’t be improvement.”
Marina this was such an important piece for me to read. I could have quoted and highlighted so many parts. Thank you, it was exactly what I needed to read today. For what it's worth, I hope you get that winning lotto ticket.
Also, as a native English speaker with only the one language, the fact that you can write in another language is incredible to me.
Thank you so much, Annie, and thanks for the restack too!
Taking the plunge to start writing in English took me many years because of how different it feels from writing in my native language. At this point, though, I'm beginning to enjoy it. English has some "features" that Spanish doesn't, and it's fun to explore them and create sentences that wouldn't work in my language.
Wow Marina, thank you for this vulnerable essay that resonated with a situation I’m currently going through myself (replace "writing" with "creating a personal YouTube channel").
In my case, it was too painful to think that if no one watched my videos, I would feel deeply disappointed with myself and lose faith in the thing I love most.
Then I realized that what hurt me the most was the projection of my own judgment in case this project “didn’t work out.” What I feared most was seeing myself as a “failure, a sad case” in the future.
And that’s when I remembered how, as a child, I used to write stories, make comics, or create a blog about music I liked without thinking about the outcome. What mattered was the joy of playing.
And what if giving myself the chance to move forward and create this thing that lights up my heart today—no matter what the results are—was actually the greatest act of love I could give to myself?
So I made the decision to offer myself the biggest act of love: giving myself permission to play, even if the outcome is zero. And if everything fails, I will tell my inner child to keep playing whatever she wants, and I will hug that little girl and keep loving her no matter what.
That’s when I also saw the other side of the situation I hadn’t been seeing: how a moment of “failure” or “external lack of success” can give us the most valuable lesson of all—unconditional self-love.
P.S. All that said, deep down I’m more than convinced that you will achieve what you’re aiming for, Marina!
I resonate so much with this. Thank you for sharing!
PS - It’s incredible that you write this well in your second language!! As a native English speaker whose other few languages are conversational, but FAR from literary - I am impressed! Your essays in Spanish must be works of art. 😍♥️
You’re very kind, Laura, thanks! I’ve consumed most of my content in English for years, and that helps. I also think many writing skills—rhythm, imagery, pacing—translate well from one language to the other.
It does take me maybe three times as much to write in English. I use lots of placeholders in my first draft that I look up after. I also proofread obsessively with at least two different tools. And I’m never 100% sure that the text will come across exactly as intended—but that’s kind of fun once you get used to it and keeps the process fresh.
This piece is so comforting, thank you for sharing your words! “When I think of succeeding—or failing—as a writer, what’s at stake is the core of who I am.” Just beautiful.
I genuinely believe you will make it, though haha!
I also deal with that feeling of arbitrariness with success and I only cope by telling myself that pursuing that success through what I am doing now makes more sense than expecting to make it through a traditional job.
If it makes you feel any better, I envy your writing skills since I started following you on Psicosupervivencia, so feel free to feel envious of other's too.
With the rise of AI, pretty much everything seems doomed, to be honest. Now, when I see my son playing with a ball, I pray he’s good at football—because it honestly looks like a better career path than just about anything else lol.
Thanks for your kind words about my writing! Envy isn’t pretty, but flattery does make me feel better. I’m only human!
I love the reframe of the “ones who don’t make it” still being a necessary part of the whole. Thank you for sharing, comforting and authentic words.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Abby! I'm glad it resonated.
You may say you are prone to envy, but I am deeply moved by how much care, kindness and thoughtfulness I have found in your essay. It is hard for me to combine these two ;)
Aww, thanks, Carolina! I always think my writing is kinder than my brain.
Thank you for this lovely vulnerable essay! I completely understand the fear of your sense of self being too bound up in your writing. I've been driven off more than one platform by accusations that my writing is bad (usually related to some nerdy tv show), but mainly I haven't really done much striving with my personal writing--and I worry about that too, that I don't push myself enough!
But I'm coming to recognize that the intrinsic is much more important than the extrinsic in life. There's never be "enough" success, you'll never see everything, you'll never do everything. Life is about what makes you happy.
But I wonder if happiness is really what it sounds like you're seeking in this re-framing? Maybe happiness, for you, is a consequence of feeling artistically connected. I love that feeling, I still track page counts on the fiction I've posted: it's truly, truly magical to know that somewhere, some other human loved your writing and carries it with them in their heart.
That’s a great insight, Rebecca—I’m not sure it’s about happiness. I don’t have a genetic predisposition for happiness, and I screw up even more because I tend to choose interestingness, and that doesn’t always make for a super happy life. Case in point: living abroad. It’s interesting, but does it make you happier in the long run? I’m not sure. So I’d say what I’m seeking with this reframing is meaning, if that makes sense.
Thanks for your comment!
“They are a part of the talent pool. They push the bar higher so the best can excel. Without competition, there wouldn’t be improvement.”
Marina this was such an important piece for me to read. I could have quoted and highlighted so many parts. Thank you, it was exactly what I needed to read today. For what it's worth, I hope you get that winning lotto ticket.
Also, as a native English speaker with only the one language, the fact that you can write in another language is incredible to me.
Thank you so much, Annie, and thanks for the restack too!
Taking the plunge to start writing in English took me many years because of how different it feels from writing in my native language. At this point, though, I'm beginning to enjoy it. English has some "features" that Spanish doesn't, and it's fun to explore them and create sentences that wouldn't work in my language.
I would never have guessed it’s your second language. I’m in awe!
Awww Annie, that made my day! Thank you so much!
Pleasure!
Wow Marina, thank you for this vulnerable essay that resonated with a situation I’m currently going through myself (replace "writing" with "creating a personal YouTube channel").
In my case, it was too painful to think that if no one watched my videos, I would feel deeply disappointed with myself and lose faith in the thing I love most.
Then I realized that what hurt me the most was the projection of my own judgment in case this project “didn’t work out.” What I feared most was seeing myself as a “failure, a sad case” in the future.
And that’s when I remembered how, as a child, I used to write stories, make comics, or create a blog about music I liked without thinking about the outcome. What mattered was the joy of playing.
And what if giving myself the chance to move forward and create this thing that lights up my heart today—no matter what the results are—was actually the greatest act of love I could give to myself?
So I made the decision to offer myself the biggest act of love: giving myself permission to play, even if the outcome is zero. And if everything fails, I will tell my inner child to keep playing whatever she wants, and I will hug that little girl and keep loving her no matter what.
That’s when I also saw the other side of the situation I hadn’t been seeing: how a moment of “failure” or “external lack of success” can give us the most valuable lesson of all—unconditional self-love.
P.S. All that said, deep down I’m more than convinced that you will achieve what you’re aiming for, Marina!
I resonate so much with this. Thank you for sharing!
PS - It’s incredible that you write this well in your second language!! As a native English speaker whose other few languages are conversational, but FAR from literary - I am impressed! Your essays in Spanish must be works of art. 😍♥️
You’re very kind, Laura, thanks! I’ve consumed most of my content in English for years, and that helps. I also think many writing skills—rhythm, imagery, pacing—translate well from one language to the other.
It does take me maybe three times as much to write in English. I use lots of placeholders in my first draft that I look up after. I also proofread obsessively with at least two different tools. And I’m never 100% sure that the text will come across exactly as intended—but that’s kind of fun once you get used to it and keeps the process fresh.
Anyway, you made my day so thanks!
This re-framing is exactly what I needed to read today! Thanks, from one bilingual word nerd to another ;)
You're very welcome, Casey! I'm glad this piece reached you when you needed it most. I appreciate your comment! BWN (Bilingual Word Nerds) unite!!
This piece is so comforting, thank you for sharing your words! “When I think of succeeding—or failing—as a writer, what’s at stake is the core of who I am.” Just beautiful.
Thank you, tatum, I'm glad you found comfort in it! We all need support as writers and creatives.
You will make it! You've could easily attended Harvard Medical Harvard! I trust in you.
Thanks!! Your faith in me means a lot, Elsita. I’m persistent, so I have that going for me. Only time will tell!!
I genuinely believe you will make it, though haha!
I also deal with that feeling of arbitrariness with success and I only cope by telling myself that pursuing that success through what I am doing now makes more sense than expecting to make it through a traditional job.
If it makes you feel any better, I envy your writing skills since I started following you on Psicosupervivencia, so feel free to feel envious of other's too.
With the rise of AI, pretty much everything seems doomed, to be honest. Now, when I see my son playing with a ball, I pray he’s good at football—because it honestly looks like a better career path than just about anything else lol.
Thanks for your kind words about my writing! Envy isn’t pretty, but flattery does make me feel better. I’m only human!
“When I think of succeeding—or failing—as a writer, what’s at stake is basically my whole identity.” — oof I felt this in my bones!